*** INSOMNIA ***

Insomnia is a sleep disorder that is characterized by difficulty falling and/or staying asleep. People with insomnia have one or more of the following symptoms:

Yeah yeah yeah internet, like we really need a list of those. Seriously...

Okay so admit it... we've all be here at some point (or many many points) in our lives. And boy does it SUCK big time! right now I have a sexy, warm, yummy, sleeping boyfriend in my bed and I am sitting in the dark with my trusty laptop typing out a blog. Can we say insomnia for the... um... fail?

The really crappy part is I LOVE sleeping with my before mentioned boyfriend... but when I am laying there wide awake listening to him and the dog sleeping soundly in her bed at the bottom of ours; well I find my inability to sleep just grows and my mind opens even more tabs until I am ready to just scream!! And yes I did just liken my ever active mind to a computer. It goes back to the statement you can find all over the internet about women's mind always having 10,000 tabs or so open at all times. It's like that only worse because then I am desperately trying to close them creating anxiety. 

Ooooh, now that's a fun word. Anxiety. Then we add it to insomnia... yes yes, together those are head clunking to the table inspiring words. Especially at 2 am. It's just me... and of course the cats. They always try to help be bringing me their toys so I can play with them. After all I am awake. And there you go, the third thing that happens. SQUIRREL!! Yes, short attention spans. We'll get back to that (maybe if the train of thought doesn't derail). So where were we? Oh yes, the head clunking words... Anxiety and insomnia They, like insomnia suck.

I think they are like the big loud annoying relatives you hate to see. How you ask? They are unavoidable at some point, You wish they would go away. They invade your space. They make you feel bad. And nobody really wants to deal with them. Unfortunately, just like those relatives, they are ap part of your life at some point(s) for the rest of your life. Yippee fucking skippee. 

No wait.. no need to break out the straight razor and hot tub of water. They don't constantly stay in your face. They come and go (much like family). And there's the flip side. when they aren't there you can REALLY enjoy those nights of deep, sound sleep. The ones that you wake up from and yawn and stretch and can't help but smile a little because you are refreshed and renewed. 

Well at least on days off from work or school when you have to get up early. But I mean even on those days there's a little extra spring in your step. On your days off, those are the days you usually sleep in a little and then languidly enjoy your morning and then accomplish a few things on your "To do" list. Then are always happy to slip back in between those sheets again.

Unless of course for some irrational reason the actual act of getting in bed rouses those feelings that lead to insomnia. Yes, I am serious. No, it's not because I'm afraid of the dark or have nightmares. I think it's more of being afraid to having insomnia. What? I never said I wasn't kind of screwed up... Luckily we all are so it's okay. Really, it's OH-KAY. Besides, you know you kinda like falling down this particular rabbit hole. Well with this particular "Alice" anyways... I'm so much more muchier than she is ya know. 

Oye vey... yes I know I'm all over the place tonight. Did I mention the insomnia? Yeah it kinda works like that. I think that's why so many artists are insomniacs. We feed off the chaos our minds fall into and use it for inspiration!! Unfettered like this might be hard to follow. You have to treat it like progressive jazz, there's no real rhythm you just simply go with it. Although it's odd me saying that when I am anything but a fan of that. I'm more of a soft jazz fan. LOL!

And so with that all you hep cats and dolls... I think I will try to find some peace and sleep before my boyfriend wakes up, worries and comes looking for me (he has to get up early for work). So sweet dreams and sleep well world!

And so it goes

Life...
That's the answer.
You know, the answer to why I haven't posted anything in a long time. Life.

Amazing how it's a thing that just keeps going despite our best laid plans. It happens and it's ever changing and complicated and screwed up and all over the place. For you that think you have control over it, you don't.

Oh I'm sorry did I bust your bubble..? Well suck it up Buttercup. It is only settled for a minute. It will change. Control is an illusion. Yep, that's right... There is no spoon. ;-P

Control... funny thing about that.
We think we want it and yet we give it up so easily.
Road rage... control given up. Being pissed off at other shoppers at the local market. Oh admit it, we've all been about to rage out over someone being stupid in the checkout aisle ("C'mon lady just put back the 6 pack of Red Bull and those cigs and you could pay for the milk and food you and your kids need!"), yes we all are there weekly if not daily.
Control. Why do we think we need so much of it when all we do is give it away?

A friend of mine illustrated this point so clearly this morning. She texts me saying how her lover (don't ask, it's complicated) wasn't answering her texts or calls. This was after last night she swore she wasn't going to call or text him. So several texts and two phone calls alter in a matter of a couple of hours she texts me saying she's desperate and going crazy. No control over the situation compounded with loss of control over herself left her in such an insane state of mind she was losing it.

You may laugh or shake your head, but we've all been there. We just like to conveniently forget or push that little memory deep down because we are ashamed of it. Control. It's all about control again. Controlling our memories and how we are perceived to ourselves as well as anyone else. Control. It's such an elusive concept.

So now, how exactly does this seeming random tangent about control even remotely relate to my initial statement about me being absent because of life? Well if you have to ask that question then you weren't really paying attention now were we? :-P  

This is me... living and learning that the only real control I have is of me, not my life but of my person/mind. Which means it's me coming back. 
Be afraid, be very afraid... O.o