Wednesday, February 18, 2015

All hail Queen of the Overthinkers...

Or maybe "ah hell" more appropriate...

Yep, it's a thing. It's a thing I apparently do all too often. Even my last therapist once said she was exhausted with trying to keep up. I don't mean to and sometimes I wonder "WTF" myself as I try to stop it to (usually) no avail.

Take tonight for example. I went to bed with it set in my mind I was going to sleep as well as I did last night (as last night I slept great!) and then the 2 am curse decided to change those plans for me. It started innocently enough... I got up and went to the bathroom, took a drink or two of water and then tried to go back to sleep. Except my mind then all the sudden went into "what if" mode.

You know, the "what if" this or that... In my particular one my mind did a "what if we could go back in time with all the knowledge we had 4 years ago and we could stop this hip thing from ever being a thing". Of course then my mind went on overdrive... "Oh and we would still have our one job that we liked overall and we could fix our love life and we could stop mom from getting sick that time and keep her from breaking her leg and... and... " and it never stopped. I was thinking about where I was Feb 18th 2011. What was going on in my life, who I was, where I was, what I was doing, etc. Amazing how things like that my mind latches onto. Then it was all about how I would've ended the crappy relationship I was in sooner and how I could make this better and kept that job because I knew what I needed to do to make it better now in hindsight. Oh and not to mention sending myself into quasi anxiety because then it was all about how I could meet my fiance sooner because I couldn't live two years without him. But I knew all about his life so where could I interject myself, would he still fall for me, would it be right...


Yes, I just spent the last hour trying to solve the world's problems, er, correction on that, solve my world's problems. Then I was laying there trying desperately trying to go back to sleep when in fact all I was doing was ramping up my anxiety level because I couldn't shut my brain off. So I got up trying not to wake my sleeping fiance, grab the robe and my laptop and totter off to the dining room where I can only hope the glow of my screen doesn't bother anyone.

But back to the overthinking thing. Yep, I am the queen of it. I can think about something from every angle, break it down and see it all in every shade of gray out there (the fucking color, not the lame ass book/movie) and argue every side with absolute belief. I really should have been a lawyer. A defense lawyer actually. The process of seeing things from angles outside the norm and seeing them in those varying shades of gray would be ideal.

Funny that... I have never really been a black and white thinker. It's always been a world of non absolutes. My father taught me well that statement, "there are no absolutes". That and my mother's hippie/artist right brained way of thinking. Between those I think I had the ability to see things in different lights. This is both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to understand things and people much better... but also leads to my current role of "Queen of the overthinkers" and that is rather exhausting.

Yes I have tried to quell that whirling dervish of my mind, but it is an ongoing battle. I'ts harder when I'm stressed or in a head space that is less than desirable. Yes, exactly like tonight. I got some news that was more upsetting to me than I realized and it had some negative consequences. I ended up being hateful and short to the person that deserved it the least and then that was followed by guilt and shame. Luckily that was followed by confession and forgiveness so I thought it was all done... but apparently my subconscious and my conscious mind had other ideas about that. Thus here I am. Yay me...

Of course that means it did drive me to blog. Something I need to do much more often me thinks and on subjects not driven by late night insanity.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

*** INSOMNIA ***

Insomnia is a sleep disorder that is characterized by difficulty falling and/or staying asleep. People with insomnia have one or more of the following symptoms:

Yeah yeah yeah internet, like we really need a list of those. Seriously...

Okay so admit it... we've all be here at some point (or many many points) in our lives. And boy does it SUCK big time! right now I have a sexy, warm, yummy, sleeping boyfriend in my bed and I am sitting in the dark with my trusty laptop typing out a blog. Can we say insomnia for the... um... fail?

The really crappy part is I LOVE sleeping with my before mentioned boyfriend... but when I am laying there wide awake listening to him and the dog sleeping soundly in her bed at the bottom of ours; well I find my inability to sleep just grows and my mind opens even more tabs until I am ready to just scream!! And yes I did just liken my ever active mind to a computer. It goes back to the statement you can find all over the internet about women's mind always having 10,000 tabs or so open at all times. It's like that only worse because then I am desperately trying to close them creating anxiety. 

Ooooh, now that's a fun word. Anxiety. Then we add it to insomnia... yes yes, together those are head clunking to the table inspiring words. Especially at 2 am. It's just me... and of course the cats. They always try to help be bringing me their toys so I can play with them. After all I am awake. And there you go, the third thing that happens. SQUIRREL!! Yes, short attention spans. We'll get back to that (maybe if the train of thought doesn't derail). So where were we? Oh yes, the head clunking words... Anxiety and insomnia They, like insomnia suck.

I think they are like the big loud annoying relatives you hate to see. How you ask? They are unavoidable at some point, You wish they would go away. They invade your space. They make you feel bad. And nobody really wants to deal with them. Unfortunately, just like those relatives, they are ap part of your life at some point(s) for the rest of your life. Yippee fucking skippee. 

No wait.. no need to break out the straight razor and hot tub of water. They don't constantly stay in your face. They come and go (much like family). And there's the flip side. when they aren't there you can REALLY enjoy those nights of deep, sound sleep. The ones that you wake up from and yawn and stretch and can't help but smile a little because you are refreshed and renewed. 

Well at least on days off from work or school when you have to get up early. But I mean even on those days there's a little extra spring in your step. On your days off, those are the days you usually sleep in a little and then languidly enjoy your morning and then accomplish a few things on your "To do" list. Then are always happy to slip back in between those sheets again.

Unless of course for some irrational reason the actual act of getting in bed rouses those feelings that lead to insomnia. Yes, I am serious. No, it's not because I'm afraid of the dark or have nightmares. I think it's more of being afraid to having insomnia. What? I never said I wasn't kind of screwed up... Luckily we all are so it's okay. Really, it's OH-KAY. Besides, you know you kinda like falling down this particular rabbit hole. Well with this particular "Alice" anyways... I'm so much more muchier than she is ya know. 

Oye vey... yes I know I'm all over the place tonight. Did I mention the insomnia? Yeah it kinda works like that. I think that's why so many artists are insomniacs. We feed off the chaos our minds fall into and use it for inspiration!! Unfettered like this might be hard to follow. You have to treat it like progressive jazz, there's no real rhythm you just simply go with it. Although it's odd me saying that when I am anything but a fan of that. I'm more of a soft jazz fan. LOL!

And so with that all you hep cats and dolls... I think I will try to find some peace and sleep before my boyfriend wakes up, worries and comes looking for me (he has to get up early for work). So sweet dreams and sleep well world!

Friday, September 26, 2014

And so it goes

That's the answer.
You know, the answer to why I haven't posted anything in a long time. Life.

Amazing how it's a thing that just keeps going despite our best laid plans. It happens and it's ever changing and complicated and screwed up and all over the place. For you that think you have control over it, you don't.

Oh I'm sorry did I bust your bubble..? Well suck it up Buttercup. It is only settled for a minute. It will change. Control is an illusion. Yep, that's right... There is no spoon. ;-P

Control... funny thing about that.
We think we want it and yet we give it up so easily.
Road rage... control given up. Being pissed off at other shoppers at the local market. Oh admit it, we've all been about to rage out over someone being stupid in the checkout aisle ("C'mon lady just put back the 6 pack of Red Bull and those cigs and you could pay for the milk and food you and your kids need!"), yes we all are there weekly if not daily.
Control. Why do we think we need so much of it when all we do is give it away?

A friend of mine illustrated this point so clearly this morning. She texts me saying how her lover (don't ask, it's complicated) wasn't answering her texts or calls. This was after last night she swore she wasn't going to call or text him. So several texts and two phone calls alter in a matter of a couple of hours she texts me saying she's desperate and going crazy. No control over the situation compounded with loss of control over herself left her in such an insane state of mind she was losing it.

You may laugh or shake your head, but we've all been there. We just like to conveniently forget or push that little memory deep down because we are ashamed of it. Control. It's all about control again. Controlling our memories and how we are perceived to ourselves as well as anyone else. Control. It's such an elusive concept.

So now, how exactly does this seeming random tangent about control even remotely relate to my initial statement about me being absent because of life? Well if you have to ask that question then you weren't really paying attention now were we? :-P  

This is me... living and learning that the only real control I have is of me, not my life but of my person/mind. Which means it's me coming back. 
Be afraid, be very afraid... O.o

Monday, March 31, 2014


In honor of the victory of the Fem Fa'Tau and their allies of convenience Da Long Wayz Dezert Groop over the The Ulthwe Craftworld Eldar (Eldars not in alliance with The Greater Good) I thought I would explain how the alliance came to be and how victory was celebrated.

This is NOT safe for work or kids and it really is RATED (a solid) X

So you are officially forewarned.

And yes, this IS based on actual events.


                                                             (courtesy of Google Images picture found here)

Chi'anah sighed as she slipped her armor off... running her hands over her silky pale blue skin. She stood naked in front of the mirror. She slid her hands down and cupped her breasts. They overflowed her hands and she nodded approvingly as she rolled her hard nipples between her fingers. One hand slid lower and traced lightly between her thighs. It was time...

Chi'anah was the Cadre Fireblade for the Fem Fa'Tau. They were the most unique Tau Army. All female and all highly trained warriors who were feared and admired by The Greater Good. The Commander Cle'opatre and her bodyguard M'ta Hari were not only renowned for their unparallelled fighting ability but also for their highly erotic seductive skills in negotiation.

She took the metallic satin dress from the rack. Sliding down her body it contoured to her accentuating her ample breasts and curves. The slits up each side were to the waist to expose as much as it covered. The intel for her new alliance ran thru her head.

She had a small force on this planet but not enough to take out the Eldar army that had invaded. Luckily... well luckily of a sort,,, some allies of convenience had appeared. The Orcs. In this case it was lucky as it was Da Masta Cheef and Da Long Wayz Dezert Groop. Cheef was among of the “higher Orcs”. Or Higher as the Tau were concerned. He was of intelligence enough to negotiate with. He usually was all about the bounty and spoils of the battles so it was generally easy to manipulate him in that regard. However his price for this campaign seemed to be higher.

Intel had also revealed he was indeed fully anatomically male and physically compatible... thus Chi'anah had her negotiation tactic in mind. She could feel the flush begin to run thru her body... much like the anticipation of battle.. this negotiation / transaction should be as gratifying.

She made her way to the Orc makeshift city and was roughly escorted to Da Masta Cheef's makeshift quarters in run down old building. She showed enough strength to make sure she made an appropriate impression as a warrior but not enough to get her killed. Orcs were so less predictable than the Slaneesh Warriors but similar in their tactics, and since she had dealings with both in the past she knew how to handle this situation.

As she fell to her hands and knees to keep from face planting on the floor of Cheef's quarters, she heard the guttural voice of Da Masta Cheef bark out orders to be left alone with the “bluie gurl”. Her Orc was rough but passable in speak and she could understand most spoken words (luckily those were few). Still on her hands and knees she suggestively looked up and flipped her ponytail out of her face. Optimizing the view of her highly exposed cleavage. He looked leeringly at her. She smiled with the “gotcha” thought in her mind, She snaked a little closer still on all fours making sure she swayed in all the right ways. Cheef licked his lips approvingly.

She made it to his feet where she pulled up to her knees between Cheef's well muscled thighs as she placed her hands right above his knees. She looked up and one strap fell off her shoulder exposing her breast almost to the nipple, she leaned closer so her tits brushed to the inside of his thighs. In a hoarse guttural Ork she purred her acknowledgments of Cheef's greatness and offered her respects. Asking what his terms were of his help in helping the Tau push the unwanted Eldar off planet. The basic terms were already there. Any and all salvage from the fallen Eldar plus any bounty, etc. He knew any fallen Fem Fa'tau were off limits.

She was very aware of his anatomy. She could see that “big shoota” wasn't just battlefield weapon. As she leaned a little closer so that her breasts brushed his hardening cock. His hand grabbed her ponytail and pulled her head back. She opened her pouty lips and let her tongue softly slide over her bottom lip. The dress strap fell further exposing her breast and hard nipple. Her hand slid up his leg and over the loin cloth. She couldn't help but shiver slightly as she felt just how anatomically correct he really was. He growled and pulled her closer.

Crawling up his almost 7 foot frame onto his lap she sealed the deal with some grinding in a very teasing way while Cheef's tongue and hands explored what they could. It seems he wanted a few working Tau weapons and all of herself. It was more than acceptable for The Greater Good. Both were to be presented at the end of the battle.

Day of battle dawned. The Orks are on fire... as is their leader. Defense and offense the Orks prove themselves as d0 the grots manning the long range firepower. The Eldar are being defeated, wounds and casualties aplenty. The Tau are providing the cover fire and excellent marksmanship and drones for distraction. There is a hasty retreat as the Eldar leave the planet and the Orks reap the rewards of their victory.

With the bloodthirsty battle blood-lust still pumping wildly through my veins I sought out Da Masta Cheef. He was not hard to find, blood spattered and belting out the victory “WAAAAAAAAAUGH” leading his orks to a fevered pitch of salvage and celebration.

It was a heady mix of violence and sexual desire as she whirled onto his battle wagon. Lurching around in the back of the trukk the sheer lust between Cheef and Chi was combustible. Grabbing her and picking her up pushing her against the back of the truck cab as he rips off her armor. Her hands are free only enough to find his knife and cut thru the leather straps of his armor. He has her pinned hard. She has her legs wrapped around his waist. She can feel his own excitement as he presses his throbbing cock against her and he roughly tears her undergarments off. Her hand finds it's way to his hardness and begins to stroke him as his tongue finds its way down her neck and exposed tits. The trukk stops rough enough to toss them off balance onto the trukk bed. Stumbling they manage to get from the trukk to his quarters. Chi is half carried, half drug to the pile of furs and pelts on the floor that is the bed. Both are completely naked and both still caught up in sheer unadulterated lust.

She manages to wrestle him down and as she bites and rakes her nails over his naked torso. She catches his nipple ring between her teeth and pulls as she runs her hand back down his body. She takes control by stroking him as she keeps biting and scratching her way down, following her hand. Her swollen lips wrap around his rock hard cock and takes him deep in her hot, wet mouth.

He growls hard and loud as he grabs her ponytail again, taking control of her rhythm. Using her hands and mouth... sliding her lips wantonly up and down his shaft... she sucks ,licks and massages with wild rough abandon. He pushes his hips up and deeper into her mouth. She pulls back alittle not sure how long or many times he can go. But he holds her fast. His guttural growls reverberate off the makeshift walls as he explodes. Hot creamy streams filling her mouth. Chi, as expected, is ready and willing to take everything and more.

He grabs her up and tosses her on back. She's dizzy with such insane lust and need she is eager to do anything. He pulls her hips up to him as his strong thick tongue slid between her thighs and down her very wet slit. She arches her back as he dives deeper. Exploring her with a fierceness that borders on violent. She could feel her body beginning to quiver as he thrusts his tongue deeper and harder. She can feel her body explode as she cums hard in his mouth. Licking and sucking her hot juices he grins and laughs as he has the mighty Fem Fa'tau quivering and crying out for him. The power trip only feeds his lust... and hers!

When he pulls her down to suck him again she can taste his hot precum again oozing out of the tip of his still swollen cock. That sets her blood on fire again. She licks and sucks... then bites his inner thigh as she scratches and digs her nails into his tough ork flesh. He groans again and pulls her up by her hair and pushes her to all fours. Grabbing onto her hips he pushes inside of her. She screams a guttural cry that even has the orks outside yelling back as she bucks and grinds into him. He pushes deeper inside of her. stretching her. With each thrust she is taken to a new level of pleasure and pain as he grabs and slaps her ass while filling her with his throbbing organ again and again. She has already hit ecstasy twice and she can feel her juices coating them both and even running down her thighs. He pushes deeper inside and grabs her tits as he pinches the nipples, grunting as he grinds harder and deeper.

She pulls away and wrestles him to his back. She straddles him and takes him back inside her. She rides him harder than a prize war steed. He take hold her hips and thrusts with her as she rides him hard. His guttural roar starts just as she begins her own cry yet again. His orgasm pushing her over the edge. The shared explosions felt like the shock waves from a burst cannon. She can't help but ride the aftershocks or ecstasy. Both quivering and panting, sated completely for the moment. His hands leaving darker marks and scratches on her naked body.

She lingers there catching her breath and gathering herself control. She can feel him still hard inside her. She finally slides off him as he stretches languidly seeming to relishing in the sweat and sex that covers them both like a heady perfume. He soon falls into a sleep stupor as the afterglow takes over the violent blood/sex lust.

Chi'anah slips quietly out of the furs with a quick check to make sure there was no major bleeding from the multitude of scratches and welts. She grabs enough clothes to cover herself and slips out of the building thru a partially destroyed wall in the back. She signals her second in command and waits quietly in cover for her ticket back to camp. Not wanting to make any kind of noise... better to allow sleeping giants lay.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Blood on the Moon

The familiar click of her shoes on the stairs as she headed to the lobby sounded exceptionally loud to her own ears. As her foot hit the last step and onto carpet her footfalls were muffled. She smiled and said good night to the security guard as she passed the desk. 

Without thinking she slid the key card over the electronic scanner like she did every night, her thoughts turning elsewhere as she walked towards the door out. She could already feel the full moon before she stepped out the double glass doors. There was the glowing orb illuminating the clouds as the wind blew them lazily by. There was a ring around the moon... a red one.

“Blood on the moon tonight” she whispered to herself as she passed by the flourishing monkey grass reaching out to run her hand through blades absentmindedly “That's an interesting omen.”.

The parking lot had been more full than normal when she had come in earlier so it was a long walk out to her car. Even with the lights and knowing the security cameras were working it was still abit eerie. Click, click, click. Again the sound of her shoes on the pavement seemed too loud. She kept her head up and reached inside her bag, bringing the mace gun into her right hand. Finger on the trigger, ready to aim and squeeze. She could see her car now... just past the white panel van.

“Great, a panel van, like that's not creepy” She thought with dark sarcasm.

Click, click, click. Her footfalls ringing dully in her ears. She kept her pace steady and senses alert. There in front of her loomed the panel van. Definitely creepy. Something about the no windows and cargo netting between the front seats and rear just seemed to make them sinister in nature. It just seemed to loom there like a ghost in the night. Without thinking she stepped closer to the dumpsters.

“I wonder if the guard can see me here” she thought as she shook her head and slipped past the van and dumpsters.

A distant scream pierced the air. Her heart lept unexpectedly as her stomach clinched tightly.
“Okay that was fucked up timing” she muttered to herself as she hit the unlock button on her key chain.

A shadow? What was that she saw? She paused. Shaking her head she steps to her car.
“SHADOW!” her brain screamed as she slipped into the car.

Something was wrong. She pulled the door close and hit the lock button. Something was very wrong. She turns and sees the movement in the backseat. Her heart leaps again as hands reach for her.

Another muffled scream pierces the air followed by the sharply metallic and warm smell of crimson flowing. Dead silence, then a soft sigh sound that turns into a whoosh like the moon is taking a deep breath, sucking in the air all all around. A loud wet sounding pop shatters the deafening quiet. Suddenly the air flows back into the world, the moon exhaling in relief.

A wickedly evil fanged grin flashes in the rear view mirror as the Khornate Daemonette adjusts her seat and situates herself in the car. Her cat like slanted eyes catches her reflection. She grins again and runs her long reptilian like tongue over the viciously sharp teeth. Licking the bright red droplets off her lips and teeth she admires herself... her true self.

“Stupid fucking morons” she says under her breath “they make the blood sacrifices so easy”.

With a few soft words sounding like a sigh her serrated claw like hands reshapes into the 5 digit appendage as she returns to the guise of her human shell.

“...the blood will flow...”  

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Confessions of a she wolf...

Standing in front of the mirror I notice my smudged makeup. My black eyeliner so carefully applied is now looking like some cheesy goth horror chicks badly applied makeup. I notice and begin to admire the bite marks on my shoulder. In the corner of the mirror through the partially cracked bathroom door I can see his naked body languidly laying atop my once fresh crisp clean sheets. His clothes look so fantastic mixed with mine in a heap in my floor. My grin is punctuated with a bite of the lower lip just thinking of how two rounds of the torridly lustful and carnal passions turned my bed into the heap of pillows and disheveled covers. Damn it's good to be a wolf.

I step out of the bathroom and pause to inhale the scent of him, of us. It's heady and intoxicating. He looks up from his phone and smiles. I can feel the chills run through me. He is warm and is body feels amazing as we entangle ourselves in one another. I look up at his face and catch his smile as I run my fingernails down his back and snuggle closer. It's one of those moments where even though a million things pass through my head to say that could fill the silence, somehow our looks and smiles says it all. He wraps his arms even tighter around me and we float in the afterglow.

I had almost began to think there were no wolfs that could handle running with me... that there was only me and the moon. Fate is a strange mistress and life a stranger journey.

It was early spring and the weather was already too warm for mid April. Things had been going slowly for this self employed “she of all trades”. Sales were slow and there wasn't a good feeling in the back of my mind. I was trying to shrug it off and have faith all would be right and business would pick back up. At least maybe one of my businesses would. Work was my main focus.. work and keeping my new life on track. Needless to say the last thing I expected was an email from what turned out to be an absolutely gorgeous stranger.

As with most stories the beginning seemed fairly normal. Well, normal for me, which would be anything but to the populace of the small town I live in. I call myself a “she-of-all-trades” for a reason. The who I was ended up being much more than I realized and the what I love ended up fulfilling all my childhood fantasies.

I always knew I was not exactly normal. I came from a long line of strong mountain women with a secret... one that I wasn't aware of until I found myself in a pagan retreat with powerful teachers, Elders and Coven leaders. It was there I was put in touch with my family heritage, unlocking the power within. It was there I found I was a Wolf.

When I say wolf I mean a full on soul bound werewolf. When I say that it sounds even funny to me. I still think of the iconic images from movies and TV. But it's not like that at all. The extent of what it is I still don't know as I am still learning. Unfortunately the owner's manual doesn't come standard. The moon does effect me in different ways and I am pulled to run and howl in the light of the full moon. I don't go all “wolfed out” with fur and four legs. It's more of a soul transformation with enhances senses and desires... at least for now. For the first time in my life I finally feel whole.

Then there is my work. My main passion is my less conventional career. Yes imagine that.. a newly discovered wolf in a “paranormal” job. I am a healer/intuitive/energy worker. I had been working more cleansings than anything. People needing the proverbial “ghost buster”. Well maybe not in the movie version. It was more of cleansing bad energies, imprints and even what most people would think of as hexes from people's houses or offices. I also do cardology and aura healing. The work in this small town can be sporadic so I also sell jewelry and write resumes, press releases, articles and even profiles for dating sites. It definitely keeps me busy and meeting new people all the time.

Awhile back on a lark with a friend I had signed up for an online dating site. I had found over time that talking to and meeting people from this site was a little like playing Russian Roulette or craps. It was more luck than skill and it was always risky. The message was intriguing with a mildly provocative nature. My interest was peaked. Despite my normal security measures and general paranoia I invited him to my place. There was something... kindred... about him.

.......... to be continued ........

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Neophyte cherry popping

Okay so I have been into RPG's since I was like 12. Tabletop mainly but some online mmo's too (who hasn't played WoW or Halo at this point in their lives). Unfortunately it has been over a year since I have actively been involved with some sort of gaming. Hey no judging me here, it's been a weird year with too much going on to think about a life. Well that and my gaming group kinda went all to hell.. severe personality conflicts.

Then almost 2 months ago I met my now boyfriend. He is into an aspect of gaming I am still a virgin in... miniatures. My only experience in that field comes from Mutant Chronicles .. yes I know  not a real miniature game per say, but well it is a relative of sorts. So of course this made me realize how much I had missed gaming. 

Now while he plays a few different games, Warhammer 40K is the main one. I already have an ongoing love affair with Warhammer the fantasy game, so this teased my attentions back into a excited state. So I have been reading, researching and watching games to learn the rules and points. It is fascinating actually. And now I am reading a phenomenal 40K book called Ciaphas Cain Hero of the Imperium. It has me hooked and helping me learn abit more about the different armies and such as well. Okay so the learning the fluff part (which me being female is always the most interesting part) of the different races. 

I haven't chosen an army yet. I am still debating. I'm also still waiting to get my 40K cherry popped. I really want to play out a game. I learn much better hands in a hands on environment. So at this point I guess I need to have a frank and honest conversation with my boyfriend about popping my cherry.

And yes, not a great first post, but hell it's a post. LOL!