All hail Queen of the Overthinkers...

Or maybe "ah hell" more appropriate...

Yep, it's a thing. It's a thing I apparently do all too often. Even my last therapist once said she was exhausted with trying to keep up. I don't mean to and sometimes I wonder "WTF" myself as I try to stop it to (usually) no avail.

Take tonight for example. I went to bed with it set in my mind I was going to sleep as well as I did last night (as last night I slept great!) and then the 2 am curse decided to change those plans for me. It started innocently enough... I got up and went to the bathroom, took a drink or two of water and then tried to go back to sleep. Except my mind then all the sudden went into "what if" mode.

You know, the "what if" this or that... In my particular one my mind did a "what if we could go back in time with all the knowledge we had 4 years ago and we could stop this hip thing from ever being a thing". Of course then my mind went on overdrive... "Oh and we would still have our one job that we liked overall and we could fix our love life and we could stop mom from getting sick that time and keep her from breaking her leg and... and... " and it never stopped. I was thinking about where I was Feb 18th 2011. What was going on in my life, who I was, where I was, what I was doing, etc. Amazing how things like that my mind latches onto. Then it was all about how I would've ended the crappy relationship I was in sooner and how I could make this better and kept that job because I knew what I needed to do to make it better now in hindsight. Oh and not to mention sending myself into quasi anxiety because then it was all about how I could meet my fiance sooner because I couldn't live two years without him. But I knew all about his life so where could I interject myself, would he still fall for me, would it be right...

*GAAAAAAAHHHH*

Yes, I just spent the last hour trying to solve the world's problems, er, correction on that, solve my world's problems. Then I was laying there trying desperately trying to go back to sleep when in fact all I was doing was ramping up my anxiety level because I couldn't shut my brain off. So I got up trying not to wake my sleeping fiance, grab the robe and my laptop and totter off to the dining room where I can only hope the glow of my screen doesn't bother anyone.

But back to the overthinking thing. Yep, I am the queen of it. I can think about something from every angle, break it down and see it all in every shade of gray out there (the fucking color, not the lame ass book/movie) and argue every side with absolute belief. I really should have been a lawyer. A defense lawyer actually. The process of seeing things from angles outside the norm and seeing them in those varying shades of gray would be ideal.

Funny that... I have never really been a black and white thinker. It's always been a world of non absolutes. My father taught me well that statement, "there are no absolutes". That and my mother's hippie/artist right brained way of thinking. Between those I think I had the ability to see things in different lights. This is both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to understand things and people much better... but also leads to my current role of "Queen of the overthinkers" and that is rather exhausting.

Yes I have tried to quell that whirling dervish of my mind, but it is an ongoing battle. I'ts harder when I'm stressed or in a head space that is less than desirable. Yes, exactly like tonight. I got some news that was more upsetting to me than I realized and it had some negative consequences. I ended up being hateful and short to the person that deserved it the least and then that was followed by guilt and shame. Luckily that was followed by confession and forgiveness so I thought it was all done... but apparently my subconscious and my conscious mind had other ideas about that. Thus here I am. Yay me...

Of course that means it did drive me to blog. Something I need to do much more often me thinks and on subjects not driven by late night insanity.

*** INSOMNIA ***

Insomnia is a sleep disorder that is characterized by difficulty falling and/or staying asleep. People with insomnia have one or more of the following symptoms:

Yeah yeah yeah internet, like we really need a list of those. Seriously...

Okay so admit it... we've all be here at some point (or many many points) in our lives. And boy does it SUCK big time! right now I have a sexy, warm, yummy, sleeping boyfriend in my bed and I am sitting in the dark with my trusty laptop typing out a blog. Can we say insomnia for the... um... fail?

The really crappy part is I LOVE sleeping with my before mentioned boyfriend... but when I am laying there wide awake listening to him and the dog sleeping soundly in her bed at the bottom of ours; well I find my inability to sleep just grows and my mind opens even more tabs until I am ready to just scream!! And yes I did just liken my ever active mind to a computer. It goes back to the statement you can find all over the internet about women's mind always having 10,000 tabs or so open at all times. It's like that only worse because then I am desperately trying to close them creating anxiety. 

Ooooh, now that's a fun word. Anxiety. Then we add it to insomnia... yes yes, together those are head clunking to the table inspiring words. Especially at 2 am. It's just me... and of course the cats. They always try to help be bringing me their toys so I can play with them. After all I am awake. And there you go, the third thing that happens. SQUIRREL!! Yes, short attention spans. We'll get back to that (maybe if the train of thought doesn't derail). So where were we? Oh yes, the head clunking words... Anxiety and insomnia They, like insomnia suck.

I think they are like the big loud annoying relatives you hate to see. How you ask? They are unavoidable at some point, You wish they would go away. They invade your space. They make you feel bad. And nobody really wants to deal with them. Unfortunately, just like those relatives, they are ap part of your life at some point(s) for the rest of your life. Yippee fucking skippee. 

No wait.. no need to break out the straight razor and hot tub of water. They don't constantly stay in your face. They come and go (much like family). And there's the flip side. when they aren't there you can REALLY enjoy those nights of deep, sound sleep. The ones that you wake up from and yawn and stretch and can't help but smile a little because you are refreshed and renewed. 

Well at least on days off from work or school when you have to get up early. But I mean even on those days there's a little extra spring in your step. On your days off, those are the days you usually sleep in a little and then languidly enjoy your morning and then accomplish a few things on your "To do" list. Then are always happy to slip back in between those sheets again.

Unless of course for some irrational reason the actual act of getting in bed rouses those feelings that lead to insomnia. Yes, I am serious. No, it's not because I'm afraid of the dark or have nightmares. I think it's more of being afraid to having insomnia. What? I never said I wasn't kind of screwed up... Luckily we all are so it's okay. Really, it's OH-KAY. Besides, you know you kinda like falling down this particular rabbit hole. Well with this particular "Alice" anyways... I'm so much more muchier than she is ya know. 

Oye vey... yes I know I'm all over the place tonight. Did I mention the insomnia? Yeah it kinda works like that. I think that's why so many artists are insomniacs. We feed off the chaos our minds fall into and use it for inspiration!! Unfettered like this might be hard to follow. You have to treat it like progressive jazz, there's no real rhythm you just simply go with it. Although it's odd me saying that when I am anything but a fan of that. I'm more of a soft jazz fan. LOL!

And so with that all you hep cats and dolls... I think I will try to find some peace and sleep before my boyfriend wakes up, worries and comes looking for me (he has to get up early for work). So sweet dreams and sleep well world!