Or maybe "ah hell" more appropriate...
Yep, it's a thing. It's a thing I apparently do all too often. Even my last therapist once said she was exhausted with trying to keep up. I don't mean to and sometimes I wonder "WTF" myself as I try to stop it to (usually) no avail.
Take tonight for example. I went to bed with it set in my mind I was going to sleep as well as I did last night (as last night I slept great!) and then the 2 am curse decided to change those plans for me. It started innocently enough... I got up and went to the bathroom, took a drink or two of water and then tried to go back to sleep. Except my mind then all the sudden went into "what if" mode.
You know, the "what if" this or that... In my particular one my mind did a "what if we could go back in time with all the knowledge we had 4 years ago and we could stop this hip thing from ever being a thing". Of course then my mind went on overdrive... "Oh and we would still have our one job that we liked overall and we could fix our love life and we could stop mom from getting sick that time and keep her from breaking her leg and... and... " and it never stopped. I was thinking about where I was Feb 18th 2011. What was going on in my life, who I was, where I was, what I was doing, etc. Amazing how things like that my mind latches onto. Then it was all about how I would've ended the crappy relationship I was in sooner and how I could make this better and kept that job because I knew what I needed to do to make it better now in hindsight. Oh and not to mention sending myself into quasi anxiety because then it was all about how I could meet my fiance sooner because I couldn't live two years without him. But I knew all about his life so where could I interject myself, would he still fall for me, would it be right...
Yes, I just spent the last hour trying to solve the world's problems, er, correction on that, solve my world's problems. Then I was laying there trying desperately trying to go back to sleep when in fact all I was doing was ramping up my anxiety level because I couldn't shut my brain off. So I got up trying not to wake my sleeping fiance, grab the robe and my laptop and totter off to the dining room where I can only hope the glow of my screen doesn't bother anyone.
But back to the overthinking thing. Yep, I am the queen of it. I can think about something from every angle, break it down and see it all in every shade of gray out there (the fucking color, not the lame ass book/movie) and argue every side with absolute belief. I really should have been a lawyer. A defense lawyer actually. The process of seeing things from angles outside the norm and seeing them in those varying shades of gray would be ideal.
Funny that... I have never really been a black and white thinker. It's always been a world of non absolutes. My father taught me well that statement, "there are no absolutes". That and my mother's hippie/artist right brained way of thinking. Between those I think I had the ability to see things in different lights. This is both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to understand things and people much better... but also leads to my current role of "Queen of the overthinkers" and that is rather exhausting.
Yes I have tried to quell that whirling dervish of my mind, but it is an ongoing battle. I'ts harder when I'm stressed or in a head space that is less than desirable. Yes, exactly like tonight. I got some news that was more upsetting to me than I realized and it had some negative consequences. I ended up being hateful and short to the person that deserved it the least and then that was followed by guilt and shame. Luckily that was followed by confession and forgiveness so I thought it was all done... but apparently my subconscious and my conscious mind had other ideas about that. Thus here I am. Yay me...
Of course that means it did drive me to blog. Something I need to do much more often me thinks and on subjects not driven by late night insanity.